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This weeks Comics & Funnies!
The
Final Exam
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic
Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms
and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the
semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before
finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and
party with some friends there.
They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they
slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early
Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their
professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the
plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had
a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't
get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up
the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the
professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and
handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was
something simple about free radical formation. "Cool,"
they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room,
"this is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second
page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
The
Bitter Soldier
The soldier serving in eastern Asia was annoyed and upset when
his girl sent him a "Dear John" letter, breaking off
their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
The serviceman went out and collected from his friends all the
unwanted photographs of women that he could find. Then he bundled
them all together and sent them back to the girl with a note
saying: "Regret cannot remember which one is you - please
keep your photo and return the others."
This
is for all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you
just
need to take it out on someone! Don't take that bad day out on
someone you
know, take it out on someone you don't know!
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone
call I had
to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely
saying,
"Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Bobby Carpenter and could
I please speak to Melissa Lewis?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe
that anyone
could be that rude. I tracked down Melissa's correct number and
called her.
She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung
up with
Melissa, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk.
I decided
to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I
yelled "You're a
jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the
word "jackass,"
and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really
bad day, Id
call him up. He'd answer, and Id yell, "You're a
jackass!" It would always
cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced
caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling
the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his
voice,
"Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales
office of the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our
caller ID
program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone
down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a
jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you
how if
there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something
about it.
Just dial 402-8863.
A little background as to why: I was waiting to park at the mall
and an
elderly lady took her time pulling out of the parking space. I
didn't think
she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and
she started
to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to
give her
plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally
leaving. All of a
sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking aisle in the
wrong
direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and
yelling,
"You cant just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The
guy got out of his
Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he
didn't even
hear me. I thought to myself, This guys a jackass. There are sure
a lot of
jackasses in the world.
Then I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back
window of his car. I
wrote down the number and I hunted for another place to park. A
couple of
days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off
the phone
after calling 402-8863 and yelling, "You're jackass!"
(Its really easy to
call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed
the phone
number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and
thought I better
call this guy too. He answered the phone and said,
"Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for
sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. Its a yellow house
and the cars parked
right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes."
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.
For a while
things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem
I had two
jackasses to call. Then, after a while of calling the jackasses
and hanging
up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a
solution: First, I
had my phone dial Jackass #1. The man answered nicely saying,
"Hello." I
yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. Its a yellow house and my black
Camero's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying
your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said,
"Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"Ill kick your ass."
"Well, heres your chance. I'm coming right over,
Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I
was at 1802
West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as
soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going down on
W. 34th
Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th
Street to
watch the whole thing. Glorious! Watching two jackasses beating
the crap out
of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter
was one of
the greatest experiences of my life!
GOVERNMENT
CAT
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government
employee.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do
your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some
paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a
triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat
and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet
went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles.
Everyone agreed that was good.
The chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said, "Beaker, do your stuff." Beaker got up, walked
over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce
glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 oz of milk without
spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government employee and said,
What can your cat do?" The employee called to his cat and
said, Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
peed on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three cats,
claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance
report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers
compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
Q:
How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in
this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They haven't even
noticed that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark
for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured
it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the
fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17
YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2
DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the
STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND
UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS
CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S
A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! -IT WOULD
TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS FUCKIN!...um... HOUSE!
....I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
A
16 year daughter shows up in the house really late after
her first date. Her angry mother asks her where the hell
she's been all night.
"Mom, I think I am in love!"
"What do you mean, it was your first date!"
"Yeah, but I sucked his dick and then he
fucked me in the ass."
"That's not love, my little one, that's lust. When you first
get fucked in the ass and then suck his dick - that's love!"
Words
With Two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to
another
Male........Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with
one's partner.
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend
with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out
with one's girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and
ends with sex
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-statement male
bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple
can achieve.
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we
end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to
another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 175 channels
every 5 minutes
